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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22485463">The Laptop</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/smallredboy/pseuds/smallredboy'>smallredboy</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>House M.D.</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Characters Reading Fanfiction, Crack, Dirty Jokes, Metafiction, Multi, bottom jokes, mentioned racism &amp; sexism</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-01-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-01-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 14:15:18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,119</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22485463</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/smallredboy/pseuds/smallredboy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>House is handed a laptop from an alternate universe where his life is a TV show. Chaos ensues.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Greg House/Everyone, Greg House/James Wilson</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>103</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Trope Bingo: Round Fourteen</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Laptop</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p><b>trope bingo:</b> metafiction</p><p>i decided to keep this lighthearted, so here's some Funnies. one of the fics described is my friend's, collette's. i left the rest vague on purpose.</p><p>enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">There's a man in the middle of the clinic that seems to have come out of nowhere. He has thick, straight hair, black with flecks of red; he must not be taller than five foot three, wearing a hoodie and blue jeans. He heads toward House and grabs him.</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">As soon as he speaks, he realizes he has a vague Hispanic accent. He couldn't pinpoint where he's from, though</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"In an alternate universe, your life is a TV show," he says, eyes twinkling as he looks at House. He swears he looks a little enamored. "And there's like, a lot of fanfiction about you banging… pretty much everyone you've ever come in contact with." He pauses. "I know you know what fanfiction is, you were in LiveJournal." </span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">The man hands him a laptop. It looks brand new. "It's from my universe. Type in </span>
  <span class="">
    <em>
      <span class="md-plain">Archive of Our Own</span>
    </em>
  </span>
  <span class="md-plain"> and you'll find the site most people write fanfiction in. Look for House MD in the fandom list."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Why would I be interested in what weirdos write about </span>
  <span class="">
    <em>
      <span class="md-plain">me</span>
    </em>
  </span>
  <span class="md-plain">—"</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"You're a narcissist," he points out. "And besides, there's a lot of weird things about you and a lot of people. Mostly Wilson and Chase."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"I </span>
  <span class="">
    <em>
      <span class="md-plain">hope</span>
    </em>
  </span>
  <span class="md-plain"> people ship me with my husband," he mutters.</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Oh </span>
  <span class="">
    <em>
      <span class="md-plain">shit!</span>
    </em>
  </span>
  <span class="md-plain">"</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"What?" he asks, blinking. "Are me and Wilson not at least like, having sex in this alternate universe show?"</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">He sighs. "There's subtext, and your actors ship you two, but…"</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Who created this thing?" he hisses out.</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Um, David Shore. I don't think he exists here, though."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"I'll go into your universe and kill him. He </span>
  <span class="">
    <em>
      <span class="md-plain">censored</span>
    </em>
  </span>
  <span class="md-plain"> us!"</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"It did have you being called needy multiple times and Wilson saying he's in charge of your relationship, though, so."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">House rubs his face with his hands. "It makes obvious I bottom but doesn't actually make us gay. Okay."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"I have to go now," the man says. "Before I cause a rift in all of space and time, and whatever. See you, have fun with it."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">And with that, he's gone. House looks down at the laptop, and a small smile makes its way on his face.</span>
</p><p></p><div class="md-hr md-end-block">
  <hr/>
</div><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"</span>
  <span class="">
    <em>
      <span class="md-plain">Chase cowers in embarrassment,</span>
    </em>
  </span>
  <span class="md-plain">" House starts as he enters with the laptop on his free hand. "</span>
  <span class="">
    <em>
      <span class="md-plain">As his boss brings up his interest in bondage. That case had been telling, both about his interests and his interest in him.</span>
    </em>
  </span>
  <span class="md-plain">"</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"House," Cameron says. "What the hell is that?"</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Oh, well, this gentleman gave me his laptop and told me to look </span>
  <span class="">
    <em>
      <span class="md-plain">House MD</span>
    </em>
  </span>
  <span class="md-plain"> up. As it turns out, there's well over five thousand stories written about me in this one site." He puts the laptop on the glass table and slides it toward his team, who immediately start looking through it. "Another universe where there's a TV show about us. Apparently me and Wilson aren't married in it, though. And I'm shipped with everyone. And I mean </span>
  <span class="">
    <em>
      <span class="md-plain">everyone.</span>
    </em>
  </span>
  <span class="md-plain">"</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"What, even Vogler?" Foreman pipes up.</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">House immediately takes the laptop and does a preliminary search. His face pales. "Yes, even Vogler."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">Chase takes the laptop back. "There's a lot of stuff about… well."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Yeah," House says, grinning. "A lot of people do write about me topping you. According to them, you're a </span>
  <span class="">
    <em>
      <span class="md-plain">massive</span>
    </em>
  </span>
  <span class="md-plain"> bottom."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"According to them?" Cameron says. "That case years ago—"</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Yeah, it's according to reality, more like," he says. "First it's me and Wilson, then me and Cuddy, then me and Chase. In terms of popularity."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Are there fics of us screwing?" Foreman asks.</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">House sticks his tongue out at him, eyes glinting. "What, you'd like it?"</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"I'm just </span>
  <span class="">
    <em>
      <span class="md-plain">asking!</span>
    </em>
  </span>
  <span class="md-plain">"</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"There are," House informs him cheerily.</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Let me guess, I top in all of them?"</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">House rolls his eyes. "Yeah, mostly. Like, they saw a Black dude and went crazy." He pauses. "There's also a lot of things about me being casually racist."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"I mean, you do look the part," he says. "But you're not really like, cracking jokes about my race twenty four seven."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Probably a thing in the show," Cameron says. "As Foreman said, you do look the part."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Uhh, yeah," he says, nodding. "Probably. Anyway, there's a lot of me and Cameron, too."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Is there someone people </span>
  <span class="">
    <em>
      <span class="md-plain">don't</span>
    </em>
  </span>
  <span class="md-plain"> ship you with?" Foreman pipes up.</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">He shrugs. "I think people ship everyone with everyone. There's a few fics of Chase with Wilson."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"I mean, Wilson </span>
  <span class="">
    <em>
      <span class="md-plain">is</span>
    </em>
  </span>
  <span class="md-plain"> quite nice," Chase says.</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">Cameron gives him a pointed look. "Robert."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Yeah, sorry," he says.</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Oh, I found the best part of this," House announces happily.</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">Foreman makes a face. "What is it?"</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"You and Taub!"</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"No!" Foreman exclaims. "I'm going to bed. I'm leaving early. I can't deal with this."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Oh, you can," House informs him, laptop still on the glass table. "How about we read some steamy, steamy fic where </span>
  <span class="">
    <em>
      <span class="md-plain">I</span>
    </em>
  </span>
  <span class="md-plain"> top Wilson?"</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"You </span>
  <span class="">
    <em>
      <span class="md-plain">topping</span>
    </em>
  </span>
  <span class="md-plain"> Wilson?" Cameron exclaims. "I mean, I get it if you top Chase, just look at him, but Wilson?!"</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"They get entrenched on his boyish looks," Chase guesses. "Also, is there any like, content of me topping?"</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Like, two fics, tops."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">Foreman laughs. "</span>
  <span class="">
    <em>
      <span class="md-plain">Tops.</span>
    </em>
  </span>
  <span class="md-plain">"</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Pun intended," House says.</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">Chase groans.</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">House stays silent for a few minutes and hums. "There's a lot of fanfiction mentioning me like, sexually harassing people."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"What's with this show and making you more awful than you actually are?" Foreman says. "You're awful enough as it is."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Thank you, Foreman," House says, putting a hand over his chest, "I appreciate the compliment."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Will you talk about this to your husband?" Cameron asks, grinning.</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Oh, I'll serenade him by reading a paragraph or two of me topping. He'll go insane."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Good luck on that seduction," Chase says. </span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"There's a fic where… uh…," House looks over it. "There's a fic where I'm married to Wilson, but you try to seduce me because you don't know that." He laughs as he gets to the end of it. "Oh my God, why does everyone write you as such a whore?"</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Maybe because he is," Foreman suggests.</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"To be fair, I did suggest a threesome, so maybe I was the whore all along."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">Chase raises a brow. "I mean, are you up for—"</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"No, Chase, I'm not."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Damn," Cameron says, poking him. "Cockblocked."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"I'll talk with Wilson," he says, going to the next page on the laptop. "Maybe he's up for it, I dunno."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Anything interesting?" Foreman asks, watching House as he looks through the pages of fanfiction.</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">"Uh, a surprising amount of </span>
  <span class="">
    <em>
      <span class="md-plain">not</span>
    </em>
  </span>
  <span class="md-plain"> R-rated fic of me and Chase. These people think we have chemistry outside of me topping him, apparently."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">Chase gives him a look. "I don't think there is."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p">
  <span class="md-plain">Foreman groans. "We get it, Chase, you want him to top you."</span>
</p><p class="md-end-block md-p md-focus">
  <span class="md-plain md-expand">"Shut up, Foreman."</span>
</p>
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